12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
when someone compliments me
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it