While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
The Onion called it…again.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy