If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
This line from Airplane.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.