Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
See..?
.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.