Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.