Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
❤️🦆
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Shortcut
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?