BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My nickname in high school was “who?”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.