Delightful if true: booby trap.
You Might Also Like
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human