DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
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Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car