Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now