My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for