I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
this has to be peak English
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.