You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”