Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please