Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?