Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.