[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
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When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
yeah 😭
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself