Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.