Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.