[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Breaking news:
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”