Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
hey, alexa
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
got so much cardio in today
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there