Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
me before I type out affect or effect
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
drew a comic about my origin story
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.