I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
they finally got him. they got macavity
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
BETRAYAL
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?