Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Cat is stressing him out.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.