You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The prophecy is fulfilled
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
podcasts
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My dog after a walk in the woods.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.