People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I love the National Park Service.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn