I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
next question.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble