Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
You Might Also Like
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.