Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport