American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
You Might Also Like
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”