“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*launders Kohls cash*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.