Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.