me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You Might Also Like
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff