Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me trying to “trust the process”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.