ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Breaking news:
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.