The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you