HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
New favorite tiktok
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Its a hippotatomus
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My stupid belt shrunk again today.