I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.