Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.