Does it…does it take 3 days
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.