It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.