Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
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I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Me, flirting😏
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.