Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
translated into Canadian
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
What a website
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
then why did i get this email
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?