Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
fair
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.