Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
me opening up to someone
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort