No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.