SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
You Might Also Like
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
this came to me in a vision
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
So we got a goldfish…
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Breaking news: