You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
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Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
reviewed some movies recently
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep