My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him