Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.